are you tired?

There were times I was so tired that I felt like screaming, do you feel the same sometimes? It is like you were sitting in a bus and the bus is taking you farther and farther away? You need some quiet moment for yourself but your kids are crying for attention? everything you do, you do it because of the kids? who is taking care of my life? The more exhausted you become, the more deteriorated situations strike at you, you see your life drifting away in front of your eyes, so is your breath. How I wish this situation can be over soon! kids will grow up tomorrow! My spouse will change for the sake of our marriage! The guy at work will be fired for the peace of my mind!

If you pay attention, life consists of many circles, (see my previous post, life is a circle) like birth and death, this is one large circle, then there are many many smaller circles, every one of them is a gift of life, thanks to the world of duality. Haven't you heard of "children are gifts from God?" or sometimes you feel like dejavu all over?

What can we do about this? If you resist the situations, you are in for a long ride. Accept it and Ride with it, with the awareness that this storm will be over- this is law of nature, it has to happen. Pretty soon there will be another one, and yet another one. Every time it happens, the storm will take away some layers of the karma, which you created in this life time or last life time, but it does not matter. Let them all come, let them surfaced, let them go, no matter how painful it could be. This temporary pain will produce heavenly joy, which is yours to keep. You know what I am talking about, because you have experienced it yourself more or less. Right?

Trust the Existence has a way to cleanse you, that's what is happening now.

"Do not carry the experience of  life as wound, let it become wisdom.The harder the life has been on you, the sooner you should become wise"- Sadhguru

what is initiation?

I remember my first class with Isha Foundation- Inner Engineering, July 30, 2009 in LA, Catch Light Studio. It was like yesterday, I remembered every details. It was a 7 day session, the first 6 days I was as lost as I can be, my teacher went thru different subject everyday, trying to give us a sense of what this engineering is about. I had several hot discussions with the teacher, who looked like half of my age, what could she possibly know that I don't? apparently, we see things very differently.

Should I give up and stop wasting my time I wondered? I had to drive 4 hours everyday to attend the class, which was a 3 hours session every night. I was physically exhausted by the end of the week, but something was drawing me there, not knowing this long driving every day had become my pilgrimage for truth.

Then came the last day, nobody said anything, I did not know what to expect. We sat as we normally would in the session, and the process started, now I know it is called initiation. My eyes were closed, but some process was going on, as if Sadhguru was physically there, I can sense His foot steps, His presence. My tears was flowing like crazy, my body reverberating heavily. It was such a beautiful experience which I have never felt before. I had no sense of time, I did not want that to stop, yet my legs and back were killing me because I am not used to sitting on the floor.

By the time it was over, I felt like a rock had been crushed within me, my tummy was turned inside out. I so wanted that experience to happen again, I don't know how to explain it, but I want more. This teacher was very touched by what happened, she told me I now have Sadhguru's life within me, whatever that means. This "guru" or "Sadhguru" whatever you called him has given me a new beginning.

"I have initiated more people that I have not seen, then people that I have seen"- Sadhguru

entanglement vs. involvement

Things have been going very well last couple of days, hectic but satisfactory. However, yesterday afternoon, I came upon some money issues that really put me over the edge!! An engineer on one of my projects over billed me for some work he did, at the same time, one of my client decided not to pay me for the work I performed. Shit!! excuse my French :)

I was very troubled by this for quite a few hours, then I realized this, I am still identify with money more than I want to admit!! Suddenly the picture became very clear to me, this identification with wealth is so much rooted in me. I recalled a story told by Sadhguru, that one day after enlightenment, Buddha was surrounded by his followers, one person went by and spit on Him. Right away, his followers suggested that they should respond and give that person a lesson. On the contrary, Buddha smiled and said no, this incidence has shown him that he has no more anger within him.

How I wish my case was that simple except I reacted once more, this proofed that I am constantly in vulnerable situations regardless how much my experiences have led me in the past.

We should always involve with all situations that require our attention at the moment, but leave the expectation of results aside, because that's where sufferings come from.

"your property, your education, your beliefs, everything will drop when you drop this body. The only thing that goes beyond this body is your awareness"- Sadhguru

crying- natures medicine for well being

My mother loves to cry, she cries when she is happy, when she is sad, she cries when others are crying like watching the movies. She cries when she misses someone, she cries for many reasons or no reasons at all in my opinion. All our siblings love her for who she is, and guess what, comes to crying, we all take after her.

For a long time I could not understand about this crying business, not until my guru released the flood gate within me, now I understand. Be able to cry, is in sync with nature, is a blessing from existence. Crying is joy, is happiness, is healing, is a way to show that you miss home, the home where we all came from.

I often cried during my practice, during driving. I also often cried when I am absolutely still, like in meditation. Why I did not cry before I don't know, may be it is a social conditioning, you know, sign of weakness sort of things. I often see my guru cries, though he insisted that he does not do that in the public any more, he simply put his emotions behind. But I know he cries for our awakening, our sufferings, for carrying out the missions that his guru has given him, which is saving the souls of this world.

have you cried lately?

"one simple thing that can transform a human being is emotion. Your emotion can drag you into gutter or it can take you to the highest peak of consciousness"- Sadhguru

life is a circle, until you break it

There are two dimensions within each one of us, dimension of survival and dimension of spirituality. Most of us have gone thru life experiencing only the first dimension, never realize the second dimension.This is when my guru showed up, he pointed out the 2nd dimension to me with so much love and clarity. He asked me to try and experience it. (www.innerengineering.com)  That was exactly 4 years ago, and today I have to say He was right, and I am so grateful !!

As we go from day to day, working, living and trying to survive in this world, we thought this is what life is all about- till we drop death. At the same time, praying and hoping that God be kind with us, that our life will be smooth, painless. This fear of living has put an end to our spiritual freedom, a sense of trying new and experience total living.

When I first met Sadhguru, my life was going 90 miles per hour, everything was on a fast, faster pace. Judging from outside, I seemed doing pretty good, I owned fancy cars, expensive properties just like every one else does. But something was very wrong within, I was dying quickly inside and full of stress and fear of life. The more I possess, the more empty I became. Is this survival-ship? I think not. It was more than survival, it was out of control, it was sufferings at its best. I was out of sync with life.

Not until I tuned in the dimension of spirituality have I got a chance to step back and see what was happening with my life, I regained the strength and courage to take back the control of my life. This time, with help of my guru and I have never felt alone any more.

Today, I am going even faster speed every day, however, I am at ease, at peace. The same hectic daily schedule which almost broke me before, has become a stepping stone to my freedom. What a beautiful transformation, what a beautiful life, what a beautiful guru that we have.

Yoga means union with the existence, breaking the cycle of compulsion. If it is worked at every day, slowly you can see a certain level of freedom happening within you. -Sadhguru

forgiveness continued

a few days ago I wrote about forgiveness, forgive others and most importantly, forgive yourself. This is an important process of cleansing, of letting go hidden layers of karma, old wound, old sadness and memories.

My teacher shared with me not long ago that her experience of revisiting an old wound, where an incident happened when she was 3-4, she was misunderstood by her busy mother for a good intention, years went by and she berried it deep because it hurts so much. Now it is time to release it, and it was very painful yet it was also very beautiful because she joined with her mom lately to change the ending.

I was very amazed by this sharing, how can you remember this far back as a childhood. This is not possible at lease for me. Well, I was wrong. This morning, as I was doing my daily practice, I was taken aback to 5 ( I think), I saw this dark secret that I have purposely hidden away all my life, something happened to me where even my parents knew nothing of it. I don't  want to remember, but it was surfacing now. It explained a lot why I have always felt insecure and inferior, everything has to be so serious for me.

I cried on and off through out the day, trusting my guru helping me at this moment for a greater cause.

"Everything that occurs in your life can enrich you if you handle it with awareness"- Sadhguru

freedom from this world

Are you always very disciplined? always planned ahead and trying to control the outcome of the things that you care most? Like doing sadhana everyday to the minute per schedule? Managing the kids to go to the best school and getting straight "A"s if you can help? working on your retirement plan so that you can retire at 65 and have an easy old age?

 

Well, nothing is wrong to be successful in this world, but if I tell you Existence has a plan for you which is  very different from your own, what would you say? Would you disagree? or Would you get scared?

 

Last year, first time in my life, I experienced the feeling of "no control", I mean comes to a point where I actually admitted that there really is nothing I can do to settle the situations that I was in. Every thing I own or I think I used to own, left me piece by piece before my eyes. One night I sat there, even breathing is leaving me. I asked Sadhguru what's happened to me, what will happen to me? The answer came " I have fast forwarded your life, so whatever should happen, let it happen in this life time" "If it is too much for you, I can slow it down". I cried and cried and said "it is ok Sadhguru, I can take it"

 

Today, after giving it all up what was important to me, I have a new life, a life that Existence has planned for me. I no longer have desire to own anything in this world, but Existence provides more bountifully, not according to my plan, but it is better. 

 

Are you willing to let everything go and take a ride? If you are willing, you are in for a most wonderful ride of your life time.

"The door that used to close on you is the same door that opens up the possibilities for you"- Sadhguru

forgiveness

As I am awakening, a lot of sadness and memories arose from within, it is very painful, and I have to let them go, let love do the healing. I wrote this following letter to my son, also my daughter tonight:

as you were growing up, I was not quite ready to be a father. I was very much involved with my career, which was taking a toll on me, I did not know how to handle business, or stress. Therefore I was very intense, angry all the time. I have too much fear about life,  I did not see you growing up. I have fear in you that you will not be good enough to face life just like I did. that's why I pushed you hard, now you know. I thought what I did was Love, but I was wrong.

I slapped you once- I think, it was very inappropriate and I have this deep pain that will not go away. You hate me for this ever since. If I were to be a father again, I will be a much better father, much loving father, but I could not take back time nor can I redo the actions that I have taken. You have endured much because of me. Very sorry.

I am writing to you, because I am asking you to forgive me, also to let go of the pain in your heart, I will forgive myself, if you will forgive me. Please let me know if you have received my apology, thanks.

with much love,

dad

"It does not matter what kind of karma you gather in the past, this moment's karma is always in your hands"- Sadhguru

walking yogi

I often wondered and amazed how Sadhguru walks and bows down to everything around him, including bows down to us if we were in front of him. Once he mentioned to see divinity in everything. For a long time this was in my mind and I tried to understand it.

This week has been yet another long week at work, every day was challenging, I was totally immersed into work without much choice or awareness. One day after a long meeting, as I was kind of tired, walking towards the car, ready to go to next meeting, suddenly  I noticed my foot steps, one by one they proceeded perfectly as a miracle, the slower I walked, the more awareness arose from within. Next morning as I was changing, the motions of my arms and body coordination, the breath again brought much tears and awareness to that moment, what a beautiful experience it has been.

we are always busy, from point a to point b, no time for life, though we thought being busy is life. Looking back last 30 years, I have always been very busy, to gain, to accomplish, to relax, to do..., yet today I could not remember much what have I been accomplished about? the most important thing in life, is the moment of now, which has been missing all along.

"whatever you do with your body, whether you eat, dance, sing, or just sit and breathe- if you do it with involvement and joy, you become a karma yogi"-Sadhguru

life is a play

I don't know why I have always been so serious about everything, I pushed myself this way for unknown reasons, I could not stand myself (or others alike) if I don't think I have accomplished things certain way.

Last year, as storm of life took a turn and hit me hard, everything I valued, that I owned, drifted away in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do to make any changes. this was failure in my dictionary, people around me took pity on me, telling me how sorry they were because of my lost.

Is that what life is all about, gain as much you can and hold on to it? What if life is just a play, like the game we play- Monopoly? you gain some and lose some? so what? As long as it is a game, we'll have fun, win or lose no matters. the problem is when it comes to my own life, I became dead serious, failure is not an option.

One day while I was meditating, a lot of sorrows arose, I have been too hard for myself all those years, not to mention I have been too hard to others, especially people around me. My tears began to flow and flow, then I received this "stop blaming yourself, forgive yourself and forgive others"

"don't be dead serious about your life, it is just a play"- Sadhguru

alive from within

until you are awake, you wont know you have been in a dream

until you are alive, you wont know you have been dead

until you lost yourself, you wont know what life is

until you stop doing, you wont know who you truly are

until you are conscious of this moment, you are missing what existence is

 

are you alive at this moment?

are you breathing?

Have you seen existence today?

 

what do you see in things around you?

what do you hear in silence?

what do you smell in the air?

how do you feel in darkness?

 

Life is, you are life itself, just close your eyes for a few seconds, see if existence will arise within you. 

"we are all born enlightened, but we have chosen to be ignorant"- Sadhguru

life is all inclusive

Today, I did something I have never done before. I thanked my computer and monitor for always be there for me, to produce, to calculate, to meet all those deadlines without any complaints for so many years. To share my feelings, to help me face the world. Yes, I have taken them for granted far too long. They are more than just machine, they are my friend. My precious friend !!

"learn to look at everything with loving eyes, if you get out of the quagmire of prejudices and onto the bedrock of love, taking you to the Ultimate will be easy"-Sadhguru

lesson for dog lovers

Every morning at 6:30 AM, I 'd walk my dogs in this very friendly no-leash dog park. Lately I often ran into this lady with 3 dogs, she is very nervous, tightly holding  the leash all the time. Couple of days ago, we met again and naturally my dogs went up and tried to say hello, and this lady began screaming and yelling at me, "call your dogs", Right away I got very agitated and told the lady they just wanted to say hi. "no hi!! our dogs don't say hi". OMG!! can this be real?

This encounter bothered me for several days, and yesterday, again, we ran into each other. I was going to give her a "lecture",  "how to walk your dogs", and then seeing her face was all horrified, I suddenly decided to put the leash on my dogs, something I have not done for years. We waited till they passed us nervously, and we continued our walk.

They don't bothered me anymore from that day on, I accepted the changes, and life goes on. It was very simple, except I have been so righteous about it, guess what, I have been the only fool that suffered from it.

"if you resist change, you resist life"- Sadhguru 

Life is a choice not a gift

yesterday's Sathsang, Sadhguru talked about life is a choice not a gift, we should not take life for granted. He went on talking about if you are conscious enough about existence, you will notice existence. Existence will let you know if you are likable or not. When it does, you are going through life lightly. If not, whatever you do, your work, family, people around you seemed giving you a lot of resistance.

I first noticed this last winter beginning of the spring this year, as I was making friends with this tree or two in the park, then this rock, I was deeply in conversation with them sometimes and they in turn answered my questions about life, also giving me smiles every time we met. Since then, birds will come near to say hi, every thing around me showed me life except some human beings, they looked at me strangely if you know what I mean.

Every moment we are making choices, what to eat, to do, whether go to work or doing practice. To love or to hate, to get even or run away. Consciousness is a choice and we need to make this consciousness part of our daily life, otherwise life goes on with you or without you, it is our choice.

"life is a choice, not a gift"- Sadhguru

Yoga is not what you do

Can we do yoga?

I found out for myself that when I "do" yoga asanas or kriyas, if I just simply give myself to the process, and not having any agenda or expectation, the process is always very pleasant. Same thing when I attended the monthly sathsang. At some point time last year, I experienced the sathsang to be a living process, not just a formality or ritual, ever since then the sathsang has become a very powerful experience not just for me,  but for many meditators as well.

" Isha Yoga is not just a practice- it is a living phenomenon. When you do it as an offering, it changes the very fundamentals of who you are"- Sadhguru

We are on our way

I first met Charles in Aug 2009 in LA for IE (Inner Engineering), we both were eager to learn about Inner Engineering and Sadhguru. We came from very different background, yet we shared the same life goal- Liberation. We met up again this weekend in Oceanside, CA, 4 years later.

We walked on the beach, laughing and chatting about our progress of transformation, it is obvious and encouraging. There were times we did not feel any progress, but at the end, we were so grateful what Sadhguru has done for us. Helen (Charles's the other half, did IE in 2010) told us what kind of difference that she has observed for herself and between Charles and me. Yes, you can see from the smiles in our face.

"To progress on the path, you should only be concerned about where you go, not where you came from"-Sadhguru

tree of life

sometimes I looked into the mirror, and surprise to see the person in the mirror isn't really me, do you ever have that feeling? sometimes we traced back to the events, and realized what a silly thought I used to have, did it ever happen to you? Because we are constantly changing physically, and there is only one thing that has never changed in our life, what is it?

 

studying and reading self help books can be fascinating, seven steps to enlightenment, 6 ways to happiness, 10 principles to success. Have you seen this? All these books are written by popular philosophers  and writers, we all have benefited from it,  or have we? What experience have we had thru these helps?

 

yesterday at the park, while I was smelling the fragrance of the flowers, watching the plants reaching out to the sky. Suddenly I had the urge to do the same. I closed my eyes, hands reaching up, and simultaneously all the cells in the body opened up, I became one just like the flowers around me, totally immersed in the space. I realized this must be how it feels to be a tree. It was a beautiful experience, several times a day I'd experience that, which brings stillness from within.

"I am not interested in you seeking God, I am interested in you becoming God like"- Sadhguru

 

getting over me

I woke up at two this morning, so I sat and meditate. The first half hour was nothing but thoughts of anger and frustration. During the day I was too busy to notice it, but now they rose from within and I was deeply identified with it. I had every reason to justify the situations, I was right and wrongs to others.

As meditation goes on, slowly I separate myself from the thoughts, a sense of peace took over, my whole being was in such a joy, it was 3:30 AM, yes I got over myself.

"only when you are willing to look at the horror of who you are, the beauty of who you are can be nurtured"- Sadhguru

oh Kailash!!

I remembered the time I went to Kailash with Sadhguru, before the final trekking, knowing this could be physical challenging for some of us (yes, especially for me), Sadhguru told us to take one step a time, don't worry about the distance.

 

Many times I thought I was not going to make it, most of the meditators were long gone, I was left behind and feeling helpless. Finally, when it was least expected, suddenly one last turn, and there it was, Kailash!! I now understood how important those little steps are, you are here because of it.

 

Most of us are inundated with worldly chores, very difficult to keep up with daily practice, not to mention the monthly sathsang. Well, don't give up now, the turn is near, you just don't see it yet. Make each practice, sathsang a pilgrimage, and you will be happy you did it.

"All that is needed for your Ultimate Liberation is to steadily stay on the path. Anyone who stays on the river naturally finds the ocean."- Sadhguru